Thank you

It’ll be a long time until I can accept it, until I learn how thing are the love between you and me isn’t easy. During the time we kept teaching ourselves to understand it was decided we have to say good-bye. I don’t blame you for leaving because I’ve always understood. Time’s up. You have to go but there’s still something remaining in my heart. It’s my thoughts of you that you don’t realize, I can’t speak them All I can do is miss you. I give in to truth but I won’t give up the good memories I will keep you in my heart. Stuck with the time that still turns forward however lonely I have to be. Just wan to say Thank you in everything and thanks to give me back my heart, my life my time and Thank you for a wonderful life’s coming. Can type” Love you” but can not say it.

Its have been almost 2 years that I have been single. Actually it’s good being single again, Spend time alone, travel alone, do many thing by my self. Lonely? “Yes” sometime but now my mine has used to be. I am much appreciated that I still have some good friends who always with me when I am down and help me, believe that I am a strong and good girl. I can say now I love to being alone, actually seem like very independence, get bored quickly, don’t like to force my self to do anything that I don’t want to do, strong mine but never think to be like self centre. Still be a good listener and fixable girl. Still like to spend time with real good friends.

I have been shut down my friendship with few friends who I have been though they are the one of good person I ever met but I was make mistake about them. It’s the true “Time will Tell” its will show everything just need to wait. My feeling with them all gone and will never back ever. Forgive but not forget. Thanks that I still have some good friends left and thanks for all new friends are coming.

I want you all know how much I feel happy now, I have good friends same as they are my great family who always say miss me, take care all the time. Always guide me, teach me, and give me perfect advices. I want to say I miss you too!! Thanks for my mama who always want to joke me but I never get it but she still keep trying. Thanks for my dog he always hurt me but I still love him, Thanks for my cat she is always wake me in the middle of the night but I still love her. Thank you for everything that I love and I always thinking about that’s remind me I still have great feeling to get a great life.

I have been to Pai Meahongson with one of my friend last weekend actually for the race the main reason i am going there. Beware if you are single don't go because there's very Romantic place to visit and i was bored and was sad to be single as long like this! lol i went to Coffee in love the coffe shop that got very nice area, coffee!! made me sick after i drank Mocha there! but maybe i was vomited because i didn't drink coffee for a long time, maybe more then 5 years! but i am fine after that...haha

The race was ok good idea but bad decide. ran up and down hill and it was remind me how much i should practice.(RC said) Today i walk like a Robot so sore legs! got meddle but no trophy. Connie was said we might get something surprise when we finished and it did! i got a big bow of rice soup full with just soup and little rices in the bow! Great.....I love Pai!

I drove motorbike there its about 120 kilometers, took me about 3-4 hours to get to Pai. stop somewhere on the way. i love the waterfall. just one thing it is not good to drive that far i am so hurt my bottom "Oh man" i will never want to sit for awhile. Finally i have a good weekend and thanks for Mik my friend and student who went there with me. i am thinking about next trip where should i go, can anyone give me some good idea??

Really have not much thing for update but I am still awesome as you know!

Cya soon, God bless you.

Life is a Journey

Today is Thai and long holiday lots of peoples get rest until next Tuesday .I don't feel like updating anymore. Not sure what's going on with me lately.There is not much to update or maybe it's just the same stuff. Things are going well here for the most part. Things are starting to begin again. I was in Bangkok lately about 4 days, I have done with applied my Residence permit to be an Aupair in Denmark again. I don't think i told you guys about it before i am not keep in secret but just lazy to update about it. I don't know why i chooses Denmark again after i was Refused last time. One thing, i got really nice host family and i like them alot. who know this time might be the right and good time as God always Provide the perfect way for me.

I am not really enjoyed the time in Bangkok because i am so much tired from travel around in Bangkok as i told you i went there to applied my Residence permit in Danish Embassy,i had to ride Motor bike, Van, Sky train and walk. long way more then a Marathon! i took the bus to Bangkok and lived with my aunt from her house to Embassy it pretty far it took me about 2 hours, so much traffic OHHH Man Busy and Hurry City! well i am finished about Application and now it's time fore being waiting again but i feel better then last time, less stress and worry. I came back home last Tuesday morning by the bus. i almost missed the bus back home because i forgot it's long holiday in Thailand. all the bus full. i got the bus in the last company and last back seat, bad seat, everything bad with this trip to come back home, my seat can not lay down. they said its a special seat and it's really! I would sleep thru most of the ride BUT I DIDN"T!!! i sit beside the window jump all the time. my head hit the window all the time as well. have a boy sit next to me he lay down on the seat head on his mom lap, his feet is on my way. "he kicked me"many time and very mad and i always push his feet away from me that's made him woke up. How fun is it you can not imagine! GRRRRR

On the way i got car sick normally it's happen to me. i want to jump out from the bus , feel really bad very dizzy but i am very patient to not Vomit on other head! i would like to lol...
i came home straight on my bed and sleep as long as i can, no food nothing i just want to sleep. now i am better much better.see how strong am i.

It's only 2 more day for the rest time before school open new 2nd team. This team i will have only 1 boy left. my little student girl Benz moved to other School because her dad want her and her brother studies in Thai program not Bilingual anymore. she called my often some time send sms how cute she is. Yesterday she called but i was sleeping after got back from bkk i call her back later that day. She told me manything happening with her and her brother during the school break she always keep saying "I miss you Kru Jeab, I want to see you, i want to learn with you, you are funny" i was have tear in my eyes and i said i love you too, i miss you too and please come back! after that her brother Andrew talked to me on the phone, he is 4th grade but after lunch and after school while they waiting for the parent come to get them we always play Frisbee, eat snack, talking. he said the same thing as benz said he miss me and he love me and you know he's ask if i am crying i said i am not but its him start crying and gave the phone back to benz then he ran away to the toilet. I told Benz if she have any problem want to talk "just Call me" i can not say much ,manything not good happened with them. When the school open we all will miss them for sure!

Apha and Andrew

Apha, Andrew& Benz

As i said my journey its begin again. i don't know and i can not say what is going on my next month or next 2 month feel settled in for the most part.This time for going to Denmark I hope i will get my own way too...I still don't know where am I going tough maybe know but just not sure. just walk step by step now and hopefully i will find my way in this journey..

I'm feeling hopeful today- maybe because it's sooo sunny out. The day started off sunny after rain almost everyday and it's still sunny!! I think the rainy season is just about over and starting cold season soon . All bright, bright sunshiny days from now until next May??

Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD. Passage Psalm 31:24

Thank you for spend your time to read my blog, Bless you&Love you.

Dear a Man Who I Love The Most ♥

This is the first time i wrote about my Dad. It's been about 10 years since you left this Earth when i was 19 year old. You die because of heart attack. You die after my 19 birthday only 10 days. This is why i always remember the date 19 June the day i lost the Man who i love the most. After you die every year on my birthday its really hard time for me, i am not happy at all, i am not going to have party at all. I am so hurt and so sadness when you die but i never had tears in front of any peoples. Do you know why? Its have been alot of thing happened between me and you since along time ago. You left my mom, me and my brother when i was only 7 year old, moving out to lived with other woman. You gone during we celebrated a new house the one i live right now. That time i still young i am not really understand about it but one thing i knew that you not LOVE us anymore and my mom always said that to me. I grew up without loving from you but you still supported us until you die. Do i mad at you? I do. I never let you hug me touch me. I always not nice to you, always said manything rude to you. did i want to be like that? "NO" i am not but i want you to look at us back and care about us more then that woman. You came to visited us at home often.Took me and my brother out for dinner, you came to help us when my mom was so sick she can not walk for 2 years something happened with her bones and joins.

I have to moved from Christian school to the school that's close to my house because my mom can not take me to school anymore. I can not really remember about it and hard t explain.

about a week before you die, you have been moved back to live with grandma and i went to visit you 2 days before you die and it is my last time, last meal for me to do and talked to you and i am not even think it is the last say goodbye from you. That's day i have been hurt you feeling alot.

you told me you will get back to that woman again next day and i am so mad because i don't want you to go back to her again. You tried to hug me and and play with me but i said " don't touch me because you are not my father" the way i said its rude more then that. The day after, my brother told me that's you cried and so sad when i said that i want to go to see you again and say i am sorry but i not even have that chance. In that night my uncle came and told us you is in the hospital, you was shock during watching TV. I was hit my self and said "its just a dream" i don't know what to say , my feeling that so hurt more then any words i can say.

Its have been for a long time you gone and i always have scar and still painful in my heart. i want to go back in the past and tell you that's i am sorry, anything i said i didn't mean like that. i always have tear when i think about it, think about my stupid, idiot ! I really want you to know that i was got to studies into CMU the university in your dreams that's you want me to studies there. i am graduated and i am a teacher. if you still here i bet you will so happy ever!

I am a Christian but i can not ignore Buddhism culture. i still do manthing in Buddhist ways with my mom and alone. i am not confused but i want to do it.
Its hurt to think and feel so sorry for late of the time. i always blame my self you die with sad feeling about me.i was a stupid and very bad daughter. i can not delete those feeling away ever.

Its almost your birthday in 16 October. Dad i know anything i will say you will never know. I just want to tell you and ask you to forgiveness in everything i did in the past. i want you to know i forgive you in everything, i want you yo know that " I LOVE YOU" and " I AM SO SORRY. i am very happy and very appreciated to be your daughter and i always wish i will be your daughter again in Next Life.

Sometime i think i don't lose anything through death but there is a possibility that i might gain something. Dad Thank you for life , Thank you for chance to made me brave, Thank you to be part of me, Thank you for good life you gave to me even its really hard way. Thank you for everything. "Sleep in peace MY LOVE"

I don't know this song it is about you or not but i always see you when i look at my self and i will never be alone anymore.

Everybody needs inspiration
Everybody needs a song
A beautiful melody when the night's so long
'Cause there is no guarantee that this life is easy

Yeah, when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I, I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you

When I look at you, I see forgiveness, I see the truth
You love me for who I am like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I'm not alone

Yeah, when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I, I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you

You appear just like a dream to me
Just like kaleidoscope colors that prove to me
All I need, every breath that I breathe
Don't ya know, you're beautiful

Yeah, yeah

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you
I look at you

Yeah, yeah, oh, oh
You appear just like a dream to me

Thank you for y'all to read my sad experience and i always waiting for forgiveness from my Dad.
Pray for me. Bless you.

One step at the time

It have manything happened past week manything that i expected but i am not accept about it, finally i cancel the host family from Sweden i have been think about it for a few days before i made my decision. its not about the host family but it just i am not ready to go there in this time. i always want to go as the same but i need to wait for the right time, i am not 100% sure this is the way Jesus told me to do it or not but i still trust and hope.

One morning i woke up and walked around my tiny bed room then jump into my bed and think well OK i will send an email to the family in Sweden that i will go then i started write an email looked at the clock Oh it almost time to go do something with Connie( will tell you next line) i stop writing and think i will be back to finish it tonight!

its Thursday it is the day that i stop asking peoples to get an opinion and it pretty busy day after i have done something with Connie, i actually got an Answer in deep in my heart, "NO I AM NOT GOING TO SWEDEN". it very strong and i will never change this answer again i just knew it after that i feel peaceful and back to smile again as normal Jeab! I have been sent email to Sweden on that night yahhhhh Finished!!!

In the same day Connie, me and other social worker from the Foundation we went to Visit the Mother of the one little girl we taking care, she got motorbike accident last year, brain Damaged paralysis on the right side. The reason we went to visit because the Father who was deny he is not a father before and now he want to baby back. he said the mother doing ok now will go to work next month and he will take the mother come to live with him and with his wife, that weird and worse!

Chompoo

When we arrived to the mother house we are very afraid of the grandma because last time when we went to visit at first she very mad, but this time very opposite she really friendly and came to talk with us very gentle,when we saw the mother after 4-5 months she getting fat because she didn't do anything just watching tv, sleep and eat. she abit better, she can remember something but not really, she still keep saying something the same as last time. The guy who is a father came to visit her before he's liar to them he said he have no wife and no children! its was so crazy! When we told them that he already had a wife and kids, the grandma quickly told us, "Don't give the child to him." She said, "How come her daughter and her granddaughter can go live with a man who already has a wife and children?" "Exactly," we all agreed. Thank God that he made everything go well for us that day. Now, we just wait and let the foundation do what they can about it. Praise the Lord...

Before & After

Another day my neighbor hood came to talk to me at home and ask if i can help to ask connie if she want a baby but the mother still pregnant only 3 months, she don't want more baby because she just got a girl only 4 months old! i was just sit with my Dog Tengmo and keep thinking what going on with them. Do they not feel loving, attached a life sleeping inside her now? what's control their mind, how they have that idea to give her own baby away!Jesus love little children do they know that? God has a purpose for everyone we meet, but sometimes we don't think about it.

I asked connie she told me to tell them just said Ok but maybe the mother will change her mind later on. we have to wait and see what will happen in next 6 months.

i feel confused my sentences sometime i wish all of you will understand what i wrote!

lately i have met nice person after i close my heart to get to know new people for almost 2 years actually i feel good and i hope i will meet more nice peoples who have the heart of worship to Jesus. i miss some of my good friends in University sometime but they live faraway from where i live and i am kinda back to be normal as doing manything alone by my self, lonely sometime but I WILL BE OK!

Thinking to go to the sea side again in the mid of October just want to relax and clean my head and clear my heart!lay down on the sand look up to the blue sky and listen to my tiny MP3 sing a song about how much Jesus love me and this whole world..Feel exciting! I love the beach, anyone wanna join? please lol time for Adventure again jeapy!

Think thats about it for now... as always thanks for taking the time to read and stay updated with my life's progress!

God bless

Jesus provided a perfect way for me

I am back into hard time again, i don't know if its really hard or i just make it hard after i borken hearth with being an Aupair in Denmark, i feel like i am not sure if this thing i really want do or not. well i got to talk with new host family from Sweden about a week ago and just planing to match with this host family soon i have about 2-3 days for consider from now, they kinda really serious to take me and lazy to answer my questions anymore, i keep asking my self if this thing i really want to do ,its the place i really want to go to live there for a year? this is what God telling me to do and telling me to go there?

I was have a planed why i will go there for some reason before but i am just not really sure that i can follow my plans, i am not really confused what position i will take and what i have to do there just as a nanny and a house keeper, but i just confused the answer from my hearth now it from God or from my self how do i know? actually i am not decide yet, when i think about it i pray for Jesus if he will help me to mention about it, it might be not hard for you if you get a chance to go as just follow your dreams, but for me it pretty hard i am not that scare to live oversea, i still want follow my dreams that enough? sometime i feel like many peoples here still want some help from me i can do lots of thing for serving God here, seem like i am confuse girl makes me wonder if i am just enjoying thinking those things but not actually making progress in finding the answers but at last i don't think i enjoy to think about it.

In the end if my decision is NO so i guess maybe the question is... am i full of life? am i moving to a new goal?did i get a goal yet?ehh... am i gaining strength, courage and confidence by looking fear in the face? or am i simply saying "i cannot do this" and missing the opportunity for growth?

But if my decision is YES? it will be opposite as i am not full of life yet, i want to moving to a new goal even i didn't know out there its a real goal for me, i can gaining my strength, courage and confidence, i can say I can do this and i won't missing the opportunity for growth.

I feel like i am sit in somewhere have fog around me, can see but but blurry on which way what God want me to go but i should know Jesus always choose the right way for me he always beside me and i will never disappoint in what i get because my God he never fail.

But anyway i will get answer very soon, whatever i get i will accept it because God provided a perfect way for me.

For whosoever call in the name of the Lord will be saved. Roman 10:13

i know for certain at this moment that my debt has been paid in full by the blood of Christ. praise God for hope through the forgiveness of my sins, my life its in his hands. I will let y'all know final decide about it, Thank you to spending your time to read, God bless you all.

I miss them a lots

Thank you God for wonderful week

I have been busy with such about school work everyday as make 9 subjects lesson plan and preparing to teach. As you know now i am a full time teacher at Christian Bilingual primary school ,Call The School Of Promise on hang dong CM, If you ask i am Exciting about teaching or being a teacher i can quickly to say Not at all because this occupations is in my blood! i got teacher degree and holding teacher license, i am qualified for health ed, Art and kindergarten, i don't like math but still enjoy about it sometime. I feel exhausted after teach sometime, bored to do something over and over but i knew that i am in this school for serving God and sharing the students about love of God even i am not really know how to teach correctly, but i know God still give me an opportunity to teach my students in my own way, my way is from God.

I have only 2 students in my class one boy and one girl they are very opposite about knowledge in the beginning the boy he so rude, not respect, not accepted me but after 2 months until now i can see how much difference about him, but i one thing i am so glad that he still trust and love God now he proved him self by words of God, that he can be a good student i think its pretty big change for him, i am proud what i have done with him by God words and love of God.

This is my students Caleb and Benz

Mostly my job i have done after finished CMU all Christian community, my friends always ask me why i like to look for a job with Christian Community i am actually say i don't know but only God know what job will match with my talent! but mostly job i didn't work for long the maximum is about 3 months the problem is i am impatient person, i keep praying if this job what God want me to do please give me more energy to fight with impatient feeling.

I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness because i have too strong mind but i have to understand that Jesus came to die for forgiveness our sin, he is the best leader that i must follow but honestly many time i still do bad things as a sinful human still not close to being a forgiver but i still keep pray and ask God to forgiven me,I believe if i keep trying one day soon i can be forgiven my self and others. Sound like some disease that i have to get rid of it.

I love to sing and listen to the song of God its always help me to healing my sadness, painful and its always work, today after school its so much rain on the way home, i cannot listen to the song with my tiny mp3, i have many thing to carry on as laptop, bag, books, hard for me to ride back home with all my stuff with rain even i have a raincoat but i did it. I hate lightning i mean i am scare but i am ok with thunder if its not too loud but Thanks God i came back home safely because it so much rain i cannot even see the way and i cannot stop, between the road have only Cornfield i had to ride slower then turtle walk.

Thank you for my mom who never stop me growing with God, Thank you for Richard and Connie who take me to church every Sunday and share me about words and love of God, Thank you my friends whoever said i am a good person and thanks for Brittany who appreciated who am i and your friendship. Just want you to know how i feel much better in this week and i am so exciting what God will bring to me next day, Thanks for y'all. May God bless you all!

I love everyone! jing jing

Knocked down but not knocked out

Sometime i might get knocked down, but i am not Knocked out but i need to get back up quickly.

After i got Visa rejected to Denmark i feel upset until now, i am not happy in everything i am doing now, get angry fast,Boring quick totally unhappy.
Finally the host family can not do anything it will take 6 months for filing complaint that is not worth enough for me to wait again and its not guarantee that i will get a Visa,well Denmark its Over.

I have to start looking for new host family again and i focus to other country but still in Europe, i am focus into Sweden but i don't know yet, many peoples asked me why i want to go to Europe why i am not going to Canada because i am qualification to apply for Live in Caregiver more then being an Aupair in EU, i answer them that in the same thing as i said before the main thing i want to go to EU because i want to go to visit Adopted kids who got adopted from Connie fosters home it might be only one chance for me that i can go to see them, i want to see how much they grows that is my dream i want to make it up but now i got less chance but i still have some hope but actually i don't know what going on me next.

I have been talk to some friends who's already there in Denmark, it made me feel so jealous them i am look back at my self and ask why i didn't get a visa ?why i am not there as them? what happened on my destination i am absolutely don't understand i thought everything getting better after i got bad luck before but i wasn't.

Today i help connie and others from Payap University worked on the yard again but we not finished yet and then we went to ran for Pakistan it a bit help me to forget and clean my head about anything that made me disappointed, actually i am not really happy in many thing i am doing now as a job i am happy to teach my students but i am not really happy to see and work with many peoples around me at work i am not hate but i was disappointed in something thats not true and they blame to me, I don't like to pretend and force my self to like some peoples that i don't like.

i am thinking and realizing that maybe i am not good enough for this school, i am not match with all the peoples there that they call they are a Team Work, normally for Thai peoples we not usually show emotion but for me i am not pretending.
suddenly i don't think i will work there for more longer its not about students,school or peoples its just about me that i cannot change my self to be match with them all, i know every job its hard in the beginning but in this i already did enough patient and give a chance for my self to open my heart being to be a forgiver but this is the best i can do.

I love to be a teacher, i love to have kids around me but sometime i might not get to do something that i like and make me happy in the same time.I might not a good teacher as i have been thinking before. there are many things that i would like to say but its might be not a good thing that peoples want to read, i knew i have strong emotion that why its will be a good reason that will let other better then me replace my position at this school. well i hope everyday my feeling will get better and stop get headache to think about those rubbish.

Thanks to all who have read my blog and prayed for me during when i have a bad time. its much appreciated!