If it wasn't this,It would be something else

I though i am strong enough when something happen to make me feel down but today i just realize that i am pretty weak person Who always try to pretend and put a joker face in front of others.I was have questions for myself most of the night. who am i? I am so much different than i imagined cause i am finding life to be so much harder than i planned. i am confused by all this Happening. i get afraid. I want to ask you God is it true that for every tear i cry you cry a thousand more? some friend told me he is but i really don't know he will be. Now i am hurt and hurt more then many peoples and why you always like to see me cry and keep hurting me?how is it fair for me to be living with Disappoint life?how is it fair for 29 year old to know this much pain? This is what you give and prepare for me?you know that i trust in you, and always trust in you. Please help me to have better life, i want to wish you in this time i got too much worse in my life just one thing i want you to help to let my dream happen. dream that i never have a chance to get it. do i blame in you? yes i am.
i am tired to sit and cry alone like this. I am pity in my self. i hope will have someone to sit beside me and listen to me to comforting me but i still all alone every time. i tried to walking alone on the road of life. i never give up hope. i never give up in my destiny. today even i have to walk alone with tears in my eyes i still keep walking and will follow my aims. today i might be a loser but its won't take so long for me to get up. tonight will be the last night i will cry so hard like this for my crap life. tomorrow what will happen i will go through it all alone. i know life so hard harder then i was imagine but i will be strong and will never give up, i promise for all my broken heart.I hope time will heal my wrecked and broken hearts eventually. when you read this post. don't pity on me. i want you to know and understand that still have many peoples like me have worse life more then you. this is just few's part of my life that i want to share.If it wasn't this,It would be something else.

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith,
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith!

Thank you

It’ll be a long time until I can accept it, until I learn how thing are the love between you and me isn’t easy. During the time we kept teaching ourselves to understand it was decided we have to say good-bye. I don’t blame you for leaving because I’ve always understood. Time’s up. You have to go but there’s still something remaining in my heart. It’s my thoughts of you that you don’t realize, I can’t speak them All I can do is miss you. I give in to truth but I won’t give up the good memories I will keep you in my heart. Stuck with the time that still turns forward however lonely I have to be. Just wan to say Thank you in everything and thanks to give me back my heart, my life my time and Thank you for a wonderful life’s coming. Can type” Love you” but can not say it.

Its have been almost 2 years that I have been single. Actually it’s good being single again, Spend time alone, travel alone, do many thing by my self. Lonely? “Yes” sometime but now my mine has used to be. I am much appreciated that I still have some good friends who always with me when I am down and help me, believe that I am a strong and good girl. I can say now I love to being alone, actually seem like very independence, get bored quickly, don’t like to force my self to do anything that I don’t want to do, strong mine but never think to be like self centre. Still be a good listener and fixable girl. Still like to spend time with real good friends.

I have been shut down my friendship with few friends who I have been though they are the one of good person I ever met but I was make mistake about them. It’s the true “Time will Tell” its will show everything just need to wait. My feeling with them all gone and will never back ever. Forgive but not forget. Thanks that I still have some good friends left and thanks for all new friends are coming.

I want you all know how much I feel happy now, I have good friends same as they are my great family who always say miss me, take care all the time. Always guide me, teach me, and give me perfect advices. I want to say I miss you too!! Thanks for my mama who always want to joke me but I never get it but she still keep trying. Thanks for my dog he always hurt me but I still love him, Thanks for my cat she is always wake me in the middle of the night but I still love her. Thank you for everything that I love and I always thinking about that’s remind me I still have great feeling to get a great life.

I have been to Pai Meahongson with one of my friend last weekend actually for the race the main reason i am going there. Beware if you are single don't go because there's very Romantic place to visit and i was bored and was sad to be single as long like this! lol i went to Coffee in love the coffe shop that got very nice area, coffee!! made me sick after i drank Mocha there! but maybe i was vomited because i didn't drink coffee for a long time, maybe more then 5 years! but i am fine after that...haha

The race was ok good idea but bad decide. ran up and down hill and it was remind me how much i should practice.(RC said) Today i walk like a Robot so sore legs! got meddle but no trophy. Connie was said we might get something surprise when we finished and it did! i got a big bow of rice soup full with just soup and little rices in the bow! Great.....I love Pai!

I drove motorbike there its about 120 kilometers, took me about 3-4 hours to get to Pai. stop somewhere on the way. i love the waterfall. just one thing it is not good to drive that far i am so hurt my bottom "Oh man" i will never want to sit for awhile. Finally i have a good weekend and thanks for Mik my friend and student who went there with me. i am thinking about next trip where should i go, can anyone give me some good idea??

Really have not much thing for update but I am still awesome as you know!

Cya soon, God bless you.

Life is a Journey

Today is Thai and long holiday lots of peoples get rest until next Tuesday .I don't feel like updating anymore. Not sure what's going on with me lately.There is not much to update or maybe it's just the same stuff. Things are going well here for the most part. Things are starting to begin again. I was in Bangkok lately about 4 days, I have done with applied my Residence permit to be an Aupair in Denmark again. I don't think i told you guys about it before i am not keep in secret but just lazy to update about it. I don't know why i chooses Denmark again after i was Refused last time. One thing, i got really nice host family and i like them alot. who know this time might be the right and good time as God always Provide the perfect way for me.

I am not really enjoyed the time in Bangkok because i am so much tired from travel around in Bangkok as i told you i went there to applied my Residence permit in Danish Embassy,i had to ride Motor bike, Van, Sky train and walk. long way more then a Marathon! i took the bus to Bangkok and lived with my aunt from her house to Embassy it pretty far it took me about 2 hours, so much traffic OHHH Man Busy and Hurry City! well i am finished about Application and now it's time fore being waiting again but i feel better then last time, less stress and worry. I came back home last Tuesday morning by the bus. i almost missed the bus back home because i forgot it's long holiday in Thailand. all the bus full. i got the bus in the last company and last back seat, bad seat, everything bad with this trip to come back home, my seat can not lay down. they said its a special seat and it's really! I would sleep thru most of the ride BUT I DIDN"T!!! i sit beside the window jump all the time. my head hit the window all the time as well. have a boy sit next to me he lay down on the seat head on his mom lap, his feet is on my way. "he kicked me"many time and very mad and i always push his feet away from me that's made him woke up. How fun is it you can not imagine! GRRRRR

On the way i got car sick normally it's happen to me. i want to jump out from the bus , feel really bad very dizzy but i am very patient to not Vomit on other head! i would like to lol...
i came home straight on my bed and sleep as long as i can, no food nothing i just want to sleep. now i am better much better.see how strong am i.

It's only 2 more day for the rest time before school open new 2nd team. This team i will have only 1 boy left. my little student girl Benz moved to other School because her dad want her and her brother studies in Thai program not Bilingual anymore. she called my often some time send sms how cute she is. Yesterday she called but i was sleeping after got back from bkk i call her back later that day. She told me manything happening with her and her brother during the school break she always keep saying "I miss you Kru Jeab, I want to see you, i want to learn with you, you are funny" i was have tear in my eyes and i said i love you too, i miss you too and please come back! after that her brother Andrew talked to me on the phone, he is 4th grade but after lunch and after school while they waiting for the parent come to get them we always play Frisbee, eat snack, talking. he said the same thing as benz said he miss me and he love me and you know he's ask if i am crying i said i am not but its him start crying and gave the phone back to benz then he ran away to the toilet. I told Benz if she have any problem want to talk "just Call me" i can not say much ,manything not good happened with them. When the school open we all will miss them for sure!

Apha and Andrew

Apha, Andrew& Benz

As i said my journey its begin again. i don't know and i can not say what is going on my next month or next 2 month feel settled in for the most part.This time for going to Denmark I hope i will get my own way too...I still don't know where am I going tough maybe know but just not sure. just walk step by step now and hopefully i will find my way in this journey..

I'm feeling hopeful today- maybe because it's sooo sunny out. The day started off sunny after rain almost everyday and it's still sunny!! I think the rainy season is just about over and starting cold season soon . All bright, bright sunshiny days from now until next May??

Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD. Passage Psalm 31:24

Thank you for spend your time to read my blog, Bless you&Love you.

Dear a Man Who I Love The Most ♥

This is the first time i wrote about my Dad. It's been about 10 years since you left this Earth when i was 19 year old. You die because of heart attack. You die after my 19 birthday only 10 days. This is why i always remember the date 19 June the day i lost the Man who i love the most. After you die every year on my birthday its really hard time for me, i am not happy at all, i am not going to have party at all. I am so hurt and so sadness when you die but i never had tears in front of any peoples. Do you know why? Its have been alot of thing happened between me and you since along time ago. You left my mom, me and my brother when i was only 7 year old, moving out to lived with other woman. You gone during we celebrated a new house the one i live right now. That time i still young i am not really understand about it but one thing i knew that you not LOVE us anymore and my mom always said that to me. I grew up without loving from you but you still supported us until you die. Do i mad at you? I do. I never let you hug me touch me. I always not nice to you, always said manything rude to you. did i want to be like that? "NO" i am not but i want you to look at us back and care about us more then that woman. You came to visited us at home often.Took me and my brother out for dinner, you came to help us when my mom was so sick she can not walk for 2 years something happened with her bones and joins.

I have to moved from Christian school to the school that's close to my house because my mom can not take me to school anymore. I can not really remember about it and hard t explain.

about a week before you die, you have been moved back to live with grandma and i went to visit you 2 days before you die and it is my last time, last meal for me to do and talked to you and i am not even think it is the last say goodbye from you. That's day i have been hurt you feeling alot.

you told me you will get back to that woman again next day and i am so mad because i don't want you to go back to her again. You tried to hug me and and play with me but i said " don't touch me because you are not my father" the way i said its rude more then that. The day after, my brother told me that's you cried and so sad when i said that i want to go to see you again and say i am sorry but i not even have that chance. In that night my uncle came and told us you is in the hospital, you was shock during watching TV. I was hit my self and said "its just a dream" i don't know what to say , my feeling that so hurt more then any words i can say.

Its have been for a long time you gone and i always have scar and still painful in my heart. i want to go back in the past and tell you that's i am sorry, anything i said i didn't mean like that. i always have tear when i think about it, think about my stupid, idiot ! I really want you to know that i was got to studies into CMU the university in your dreams that's you want me to studies there. i am graduated and i am a teacher. if you still here i bet you will so happy ever!

I am a Christian but i can not ignore Buddhism culture. i still do manthing in Buddhist ways with my mom and alone. i am not confused but i want to do it.
Its hurt to think and feel so sorry for late of the time. i always blame my self you die with sad feeling about me.i was a stupid and very bad daughter. i can not delete those feeling away ever.

Its almost your birthday in 16 October. Dad i know anything i will say you will never know. I just want to tell you and ask you to forgiveness in everything i did in the past. i want you to know i forgive you in everything, i want you yo know that " I LOVE YOU" and " I AM SO SORRY. i am very happy and very appreciated to be your daughter and i always wish i will be your daughter again in Next Life.

Sometime i think i don't lose anything through death but there is a possibility that i might gain something. Dad Thank you for life , Thank you for chance to made me brave, Thank you to be part of me, Thank you for good life you gave to me even its really hard way. Thank you for everything. "Sleep in peace MY LOVE"

I don't know this song it is about you or not but i always see you when i look at my self and i will never be alone anymore.

Everybody needs inspiration
Everybody needs a song
A beautiful melody when the night's so long
'Cause there is no guarantee that this life is easy

Yeah, when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I, I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you

When I look at you, I see forgiveness, I see the truth
You love me for who I am like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I'm not alone

Yeah, when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I, I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you

You appear just like a dream to me
Just like kaleidoscope colors that prove to me
All I need, every breath that I breathe
Don't ya know, you're beautiful

Yeah, yeah

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you
I look at you

Yeah, yeah, oh, oh
You appear just like a dream to me

Thank you for y'all to read my sad experience and i always waiting for forgiveness from my Dad.
Pray for me. Bless you.

One step at the time

It have manything happened past week manything that i expected but i am not accept about it, finally i cancel the host family from Sweden i have been think about it for a few days before i made my decision. its not about the host family but it just i am not ready to go there in this time. i always want to go as the same but i need to wait for the right time, i am not 100% sure this is the way Jesus told me to do it or not but i still trust and hope.

One morning i woke up and walked around my tiny bed room then jump into my bed and think well OK i will send an email to the family in Sweden that i will go then i started write an email looked at the clock Oh it almost time to go do something with Connie( will tell you next line) i stop writing and think i will be back to finish it tonight!

its Thursday it is the day that i stop asking peoples to get an opinion and it pretty busy day after i have done something with Connie, i actually got an Answer in deep in my heart, "NO I AM NOT GOING TO SWEDEN". it very strong and i will never change this answer again i just knew it after that i feel peaceful and back to smile again as normal Jeab! I have been sent email to Sweden on that night yahhhhh Finished!!!

In the same day Connie, me and other social worker from the Foundation we went to Visit the Mother of the one little girl we taking care, she got motorbike accident last year, brain Damaged paralysis on the right side. The reason we went to visit because the Father who was deny he is not a father before and now he want to baby back. he said the mother doing ok now will go to work next month and he will take the mother come to live with him and with his wife, that weird and worse!

Chompoo

When we arrived to the mother house we are very afraid of the grandma because last time when we went to visit at first she very mad, but this time very opposite she really friendly and came to talk with us very gentle,when we saw the mother after 4-5 months she getting fat because she didn't do anything just watching tv, sleep and eat. she abit better, she can remember something but not really, she still keep saying something the same as last time. The guy who is a father came to visit her before he's liar to them he said he have no wife and no children! its was so crazy! When we told them that he already had a wife and kids, the grandma quickly told us, "Don't give the child to him." She said, "How come her daughter and her granddaughter can go live with a man who already has a wife and children?" "Exactly," we all agreed. Thank God that he made everything go well for us that day. Now, we just wait and let the foundation do what they can about it. Praise the Lord...

Before & After

Another day my neighbor hood came to talk to me at home and ask if i can help to ask connie if she want a baby but the mother still pregnant only 3 months, she don't want more baby because she just got a girl only 4 months old! i was just sit with my Dog Tengmo and keep thinking what going on with them. Do they not feel loving, attached a life sleeping inside her now? what's control their mind, how they have that idea to give her own baby away!Jesus love little children do they know that? God has a purpose for everyone we meet, but sometimes we don't think about it.

I asked connie she told me to tell them just said Ok but maybe the mother will change her mind later on. we have to wait and see what will happen in next 6 months.

i feel confused my sentences sometime i wish all of you will understand what i wrote!

lately i have met nice person after i close my heart to get to know new people for almost 2 years actually i feel good and i hope i will meet more nice peoples who have the heart of worship to Jesus. i miss some of my good friends in University sometime but they live faraway from where i live and i am kinda back to be normal as doing manything alone by my self, lonely sometime but I WILL BE OK!

Thinking to go to the sea side again in the mid of October just want to relax and clean my head and clear my heart!lay down on the sand look up to the blue sky and listen to my tiny MP3 sing a song about how much Jesus love me and this whole world..Feel exciting! I love the beach, anyone wanna join? please lol time for Adventure again jeapy!

Think thats about it for now... as always thanks for taking the time to read and stay updated with my life's progress!

God bless

Jesus provided a perfect way for me

I am back into hard time again, i don't know if its really hard or i just make it hard after i borken hearth with being an Aupair in Denmark, i feel like i am not sure if this thing i really want do or not. well i got to talk with new host family from Sweden about a week ago and just planing to match with this host family soon i have about 2-3 days for consider from now, they kinda really serious to take me and lazy to answer my questions anymore, i keep asking my self if this thing i really want to do ,its the place i really want to go to live there for a year? this is what God telling me to do and telling me to go there?

I was have a planed why i will go there for some reason before but i am just not really sure that i can follow my plans, i am not really confused what position i will take and what i have to do there just as a nanny and a house keeper, but i just confused the answer from my hearth now it from God or from my self how do i know? actually i am not decide yet, when i think about it i pray for Jesus if he will help me to mention about it, it might be not hard for you if you get a chance to go as just follow your dreams, but for me it pretty hard i am not that scare to live oversea, i still want follow my dreams that enough? sometime i feel like many peoples here still want some help from me i can do lots of thing for serving God here, seem like i am confuse girl makes me wonder if i am just enjoying thinking those things but not actually making progress in finding the answers but at last i don't think i enjoy to think about it.

In the end if my decision is NO so i guess maybe the question is... am i full of life? am i moving to a new goal?did i get a goal yet?ehh... am i gaining strength, courage and confidence by looking fear in the face? or am i simply saying "i cannot do this" and missing the opportunity for growth?

But if my decision is YES? it will be opposite as i am not full of life yet, i want to moving to a new goal even i didn't know out there its a real goal for me, i can gaining my strength, courage and confidence, i can say I can do this and i won't missing the opportunity for growth.

I feel like i am sit in somewhere have fog around me, can see but but blurry on which way what God want me to go but i should know Jesus always choose the right way for me he always beside me and i will never disappoint in what i get because my God he never fail.

But anyway i will get answer very soon, whatever i get i will accept it because God provided a perfect way for me.

For whosoever call in the name of the Lord will be saved. Roman 10:13

i know for certain at this moment that my debt has been paid in full by the blood of Christ. praise God for hope through the forgiveness of my sins, my life its in his hands. I will let y'all know final decide about it, Thank you to spending your time to read, God bless you all.

I miss them a lots

Thank you God for wonderful week

I have been busy with such about school work everyday as make 9 subjects lesson plan and preparing to teach. As you know now i am a full time teacher at Christian Bilingual primary school ,Call The School Of Promise on hang dong CM, If you ask i am Exciting about teaching or being a teacher i can quickly to say Not at all because this occupations is in my blood! i got teacher degree and holding teacher license, i am qualified for health ed, Art and kindergarten, i don't like math but still enjoy about it sometime. I feel exhausted after teach sometime, bored to do something over and over but i knew that i am in this school for serving God and sharing the students about love of God even i am not really know how to teach correctly, but i know God still give me an opportunity to teach my students in my own way, my way is from God.

I have only 2 students in my class one boy and one girl they are very opposite about knowledge in the beginning the boy he so rude, not respect, not accepted me but after 2 months until now i can see how much difference about him, but i one thing i am so glad that he still trust and love God now he proved him self by words of God, that he can be a good student i think its pretty big change for him, i am proud what i have done with him by God words and love of God.

This is my students Caleb and Benz

Mostly my job i have done after finished CMU all Christian community, my friends always ask me why i like to look for a job with Christian Community i am actually say i don't know but only God know what job will match with my talent! but mostly job i didn't work for long the maximum is about 3 months the problem is i am impatient person, i keep praying if this job what God want me to do please give me more energy to fight with impatient feeling.

I’ve been thinking a lot about forgiveness because i have too strong mind but i have to understand that Jesus came to die for forgiveness our sin, he is the best leader that i must follow but honestly many time i still do bad things as a sinful human still not close to being a forgiver but i still keep pray and ask God to forgiven me,I believe if i keep trying one day soon i can be forgiven my self and others. Sound like some disease that i have to get rid of it.

I love to sing and listen to the song of God its always help me to healing my sadness, painful and its always work, today after school its so much rain on the way home, i cannot listen to the song with my tiny mp3, i have many thing to carry on as laptop, bag, books, hard for me to ride back home with all my stuff with rain even i have a raincoat but i did it. I hate lightning i mean i am scare but i am ok with thunder if its not too loud but Thanks God i came back home safely because it so much rain i cannot even see the way and i cannot stop, between the road have only Cornfield i had to ride slower then turtle walk.

Thank you for my mom who never stop me growing with God, Thank you for Richard and Connie who take me to church every Sunday and share me about words and love of God, Thank you my friends whoever said i am a good person and thanks for Brittany who appreciated who am i and your friendship. Just want you to know how i feel much better in this week and i am so exciting what God will bring to me next day, Thanks for y'all. May God bless you all!

I love everyone! jing jing

Knocked down but not knocked out

Sometime i might get knocked down, but i am not Knocked out but i need to get back up quickly.

After i got Visa rejected to Denmark i feel upset until now, i am not happy in everything i am doing now, get angry fast,Boring quick totally unhappy.
Finally the host family can not do anything it will take 6 months for filing complaint that is not worth enough for me to wait again and its not guarantee that i will get a Visa,well Denmark its Over.

I have to start looking for new host family again and i focus to other country but still in Europe, i am focus into Sweden but i don't know yet, many peoples asked me why i want to go to Europe why i am not going to Canada because i am qualification to apply for Live in Caregiver more then being an Aupair in EU, i answer them that in the same thing as i said before the main thing i want to go to EU because i want to go to visit Adopted kids who got adopted from Connie fosters home it might be only one chance for me that i can go to see them, i want to see how much they grows that is my dream i want to make it up but now i got less chance but i still have some hope but actually i don't know what going on me next.

I have been talk to some friends who's already there in Denmark, it made me feel so jealous them i am look back at my self and ask why i didn't get a visa ?why i am not there as them? what happened on my destination i am absolutely don't understand i thought everything getting better after i got bad luck before but i wasn't.

Today i help connie and others from Payap University worked on the yard again but we not finished yet and then we went to ran for Pakistan it a bit help me to forget and clean my head about anything that made me disappointed, actually i am not really happy in many thing i am doing now as a job i am happy to teach my students but i am not really happy to see and work with many peoples around me at work i am not hate but i was disappointed in something thats not true and they blame to me, I don't like to pretend and force my self to like some peoples that i don't like.

i am thinking and realizing that maybe i am not good enough for this school, i am not match with all the peoples there that they call they are a Team Work, normally for Thai peoples we not usually show emotion but for me i am not pretending.
suddenly i don't think i will work there for more longer its not about students,school or peoples its just about me that i cannot change my self to be match with them all, i know every job its hard in the beginning but in this i already did enough patient and give a chance for my self to open my heart being to be a forgiver but this is the best i can do.

I love to be a teacher, i love to have kids around me but sometime i might not get to do something that i like and make me happy in the same time.I might not a good teacher as i have been thinking before. there are many things that i would like to say but its might be not a good thing that peoples want to read, i knew i have strong emotion that why its will be a good reason that will let other better then me replace my position at this school. well i hope everyday my feeling will get better and stop get headache to think about those rubbish.

Thanks to all who have read my blog and prayed for me during when i have a bad time. its much appreciated!

Aupair Visa Rejected

Today i got a letter from the Danish Immigration Service they has decided that i cannot be grated a resident permit as an Aupair. They finds that the purpose of my application is not with a view to be an Aupair,but instead with a view for a long-term stay. They also said i have higher health Education and that i have worked in a kindergarten as well as to the fact that i am currently working as a 5th grade teacher,they do not find that the proposed stay fits into the context of my life history as documented with regards to my age,education and work experience!

Actually i don't understand what standard do they use to make decision to giving a visa to who want to apply resident visa as an Aupair, i was shock and start crying until now ,i don't know what to do next, i lose my time , my money for that , i put a lots of my hope in this and my dream was disappear in just 1 second. All my dream that i want to make it up just gone, i have no chance to Visit kids no chance for new opportunity that i can try to open my heart my eyes to learn in this whole world.

I have been talk to my Host family we both are very disappointed because they are Prepare everything there for me and now they got big problem because no one will take care of her son when they gone to work.Otherwise we will try to see if we can make it work in another way.i have nothing to lose here anymore wherever i can do i will do!

we just figure that now we think The Danish Immigration there they were misunderstand about my Education and my work experiences they though i was finished Bachelor's degree at Physical Education College for first 3 years and then next 4 years finished Master degree at Chiang Mai University that its completely wrong because i finished only Bachelor not Master.

There were full time studies but the 3 years in Gymnasium was in the Physical Education "College" in High school (grade 10-12), like Vocational school in the USA, but here in Thailand it is through the college rather then high school.
Then studies 2 years of Health Education after high school at the same "college" as the physical Education studies before studying 2 more years of Health Education at Chiang Mai University to Complete the Bachelor's degree.

During the final year and 9 months at CMU I was working night shift at the foster home while studying and practice teaching during the daytime , I didn't have work experience after finished school that much as they said and i have been kindergarten teacher for 6 months because i don't have kindergarten degree to qualification to teach this level even i am not qualification for elementary school i teaching now either because my degree is Health ED teacher as said above.

My host family will talk and try to Explain for the Danish Immigration this monday I am not sure it will work or not but we still have hope and trust that God will give a me a chance to learn new Opportunities at Oversea. Please Pray for me

Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

Happy Mother's day

Patient Time for Being an Aupair

I thought I was a pretty patient person until I started to waiting for my Visa to Denmark then I realized that's I'm not that patient person at all..

The dream is becoming a reality! as many of you know i am currently preparing and get ready to start my Aupair life in Denmark. so there still isn't much to update you on as far as my travel plans to go as you can see on my passport No Visa it's just said to me to save this page for Visa stamp!OHH Come on ...i was telling someone the other day about my upcoming trip to Denmark and they asked "why Denmark?" i quickly answered "why not?" this trip is just "a great opportunity" and something to do "while i'm still young and unattached". but i think there is more to it than that. its hard to put into words exactly why i have chosen to go overseas for being an Aupair rather than teaching in Chiangmai. i know that it's completely not the same kind of learning can (and most likely will)

Every day during the week i always have my cell phone with me normally i am not really stuck with a cell phone it's just because i am on the way to waiting for Danish Embassy to call me and let me know i get a Visa it's made me being crazy.I don't know exactly when i will get it just have to waiting and be patient like this and i realized that's I'm not that patient person at all as i said before..but what can i do...just pray and wish A dream will come true, many friends they're said to me in Thai "Jai Yen Yen" that's normal for Thai peoples will always say to you, Kinda funny but i think i like it because it just the way i can do for now!

well i've hit the one month mark.soon i will be on a plane that will be taking me to the other side of the world for 18 months to start to be an Aupair. i've certainly not prepare or start to do anything to get ready for my stuffs that's i will take to there for living so far as..

i have No plane ticket yet.
i have a passport and waiting for visa.
i have a place to live and have foods to eat.
I have work to do.
i have learn that i will be living in -5 or more degree celsius weather, i can't imagine at all what is going on me when the weather like that!!
i have not packed or prepare anything, no suitcase,no super warm clothes.
i have not been hit with the reality of this whole thing.

I still have no idea what i am gonna tell the school and my students where i am teaching now why i will leave, actually i have the reasons but as you know it's pretty hard to say that you gonna leave and say good bye them.I like to be a teacher in this school i like to help them and growing this school and pass the hard time with them as a team work but i still want to making up my dream,i want to tell them as soon as i can after i get a visa i know that's kinda like being selfish but it's just the way i can do it for now but can't just someone tell me something i don't know!!!!

well i think that's all i have for now. keep checking back for updates cause this is the best place to find what going on me. hope everyone has a great week. God bless! look on Aupair Diaries

One season of my life.♥

Thailand. the land of smiles. this is where i grew up and spend most of the time in my life here. Now i am in a time for waiting a Visa to go to be An Aupair in Denmark, what the Au pair is??i will tell you later about my Aupair meaning..

as i lay in bed this afternoon spent my holidays alone at home, i listened to the rain on the roof, that sounded an awful lot like brewing coffee, and wished that it was still saturday. not just because saturday is the only day i can sleep in, but because saturday was one of those days that i just had to stop and be thankful for my city life and the all people that are a part of it! I have no idea how long i will be in my home town but actually i knew that it not too long before i have to move to live in the new city life and meet the new peoples the place that i will start my new opportunities and the place that i will be a part of it.

but of course not everyday can be a great day for me even i live in my kingdom or the other place. and not everyday can be crappy. i still have lots of thing to try and figured out. there are still times when i feel like i haven't quite found my way. but thankfully those times are becoming . its been a full year of finding myself and finding my way in this new season of life. trying not to get mixed up in the opinions and preferences of those around me. reminding myself that the Lord is sovereign over me no matter where i am (Thailand, Denmark) or what i'm doing. city life is definitely growing on me and i'm enjoying the challenges and joys that it brings my way.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

i've been listening to this song over and over on my way to work or wherever i go each morning recently. it plays through my tiny mp3 , i wonder "who am i and what i am doing with my life?"

the past couple of weeks as things have changed a lot in my mind i have been confused what i believe in and which way i have to choose until now i still not sure but one thing as i know when i listen to this song it is Jesus came to die for my sin . i can't figure out why i feel so confused often but i still keep praying...

"what i want to be when i grow up"(i think now i am growing up enough) if i don't try things out now and give it my all but on my way Jesus will walk beside me and tell me the right way where should i go..right?

for some reason ive just been struck by the fact that yeah if i don't try to go live in oversea i won't have the opportunity to look silly... but then again... i won't have the opportunity to grow either. if i don't try to be a teacher how do i know i will be good of it or not... but i also won't know how to be a good teacher i own! if i didn't jump into school and start teaching with both feet i certainly would avoid the pain of dealing with defiant children or hard to navigate curriculum but then i would miss out on moments when the kids cling to my legs and say "i love you Kru. Jeab" and i certainly wouldn't develop as a professional.
The same is i will go to be an aupair in Denmark if i am not keep walking on my both feet to try with a new experience that waiting for me out there how do i know that the great thing that this whole world giving to me..i believe this is just a season of my life that won't last forever. and when i look back on it someday i'll remember that while i didn't get it on the first try... the process definitely made me into the person that i am and want to be...

keep thinking

Today is just another day of mind that i still be in school for teaching my 2 lovely students, Kinda busy all day with teach and do some more lesson plans for next week. After lunch i just sit in my class room and think what gonna happen with me tomorrow, next week, next mont, I keep thinking i want to have some more time in a day that i can do other things that i wanna do and try to do.

So I keep thinking of the ways to spend my time more meaningfully. Thoughts like: perhaps I should work more (but I'm already very busy with teaching about 40 hours or so a week but not includ take more work back to do at home) :perhaps I should exercise more (I think i should do somemore excercise not just 1 dancing class 1 day a week ); or perhaps I should spend more time helping (but I already help many peoples while i have free time!); or perhaps I should start reading and writing again (now this I can do, only if I stop being so lazy and procrastinating).
I also thinking: what do other people do to spend their time? Work? Party? Shopping ? Watch movies? Play games? But don't those things get meaningless after a while? I think sometime peoples will get bored in the things that they keep doing over and over, right? but how did they figure out about it?

I am pretty tired to think what job that match on me and that what i really want to do it, i have been trying to do manything but i still feel likes its not the right one for me yet, in the begining i feel excited but after that not long i feel bored or i am being lazy?well i still have no idea about try to spend my time more meaningfully...

Looking Forward to September

For the reason I will go to Denmark , the hurting is going to work , travel and visit the kids who got adopted from Connie house. They are what I really want to do one time in my life at this point, not all these wonderful thing mentioned above. Life really just does not turn out how I expect. For 18 months this country will teach me so much and give me lots of new opportunities .I know that I will not be the same for having known new peoples and I believe that my future will be different because of the effect will happen in my life.

Looking Forward to September

As I look to the future most things are blurry. There are very few things I can say with certainty about the coming. One is this September I will begin to be An Aupair live and work in Denmark. I will Take care of 10 moths old boy name is Pelle. I am definitely nervous about this opportunity as I know absolutely nothing about live with Another peoples that call Host Family. However, I am thankful for the chance to be with kid again, for the chance to teach and love them. The second thing I can say with certainty is that the Lord is with me and that because I know He has a great plan for me I will step into the new life and great Opportunities with joy and trust.

I am also thankful for My Mom,Richard and Connie family My friends ,My Pets and My Dreams. I am so excited for several new friendships (with other foreigners) Thanks for always believing in me and believing that anything was possible. Thanks for never telling me that I was silly or that I couldn't do any of the crazy ideas I've had over the years. I am who I am because of you guys. I love you all.For Richard and Connie Thank you that you spend time with me ,take me to church, take me to eat, help me many things when i ask for help,Pray for me and loving me.I love you.

So, trying to think of a fitting goodbye Chiang Mai Thailand My home sweet home and welcome New life in Denmark message is a little bit difficult. My human/selfish tendency would be to say I hope things work out better then last few years. However, that would be totally inappropriate. Right now I don't want to downplay that but really just thank the Lord for all He did in last few years it pretty hard but i know God love me and he already plan to give me a great life.

แค่ผู้หญิงเดินดิน ผู้หญิงธรรมดา.. Ordinary Girl likes Me....♥

ก็เป็นแค่คน คนนึ่ง ที่ไม่ต่างอะไรจากผู้หญิงคน

ใหนๆ มากมาย แต่ก็เป็นผู้หญิงคนนึงที่เคยเจ็บ หรือกำลัง เจ็บ มากกว่าผู้หญิงคนไหนหลายๆ คน หรืออาจจะเจ็บน้อยกว่าผู้หญิงคนไหนอีกหลายๆ คนก็ได้ เส้นทางเดินของความ รักไม่ใช่สมรภูมิรบ และฉันไม่ใช่ทหารไม่ต้องการฝึกความอดทนยอมรับความเจ็บปวดเรื่องความรักที่ไม่มั่นคง และไม่ซื่อตรงต่อกัน ใช่*อดีตไม่สามารถย้อนกลับไปแก้ไขได้ แต่อดีตคือตัวแปรสำคัญ คือเหตุผลว่าปัจจุบันฉันควรจะหยุดหรือไปต่อ ขอบคุณที่เคยรักกัน*

บางที . . . หัวใจก็ยอมเจ็บ เพียงแลกกับ ความสุขเล็กๆ . . . มาเก็บไว้บางที . . . เหนื่อยจนลุกขึ้นไม่ไหวแต่ก็ยังพอใจ . . . กับสิ่งที่เป็น บางที . . . แม้จะลำบากยากเข็ญแต่ก็ยอมเป็น . . . อย่างที่เราจำเป็นต้องหักห้ามใจไม่ให้รักใครสักคนที่เราไม่สมควรรัก หรือ เค้าไม่เคยแม้จะหันกลับมามอง เหตุผลของคนเราย่อมไม่เหมือนกันบางคนอาจต้องห้ามใจเพราะรู้ตัวว่ามันคงเป็นไปไม่ได้ บางคนอาจต้องห้ามใจเพราะกลัวใจตัวเองจะถลำลึกและเจ็บปวดมากไปกว่านี้ บางคนอาจต้องห้ามใจเพราะมีคนที่รักคนที่เรารักอยู่แล้ว บางคนอาจต้องห้ามใจเพราะเขาอาจไม่ได้คิดและรู้สึกเหมือนกับเราอีกต่อไป หรือไม่เคยคิดเลย.......

ทุกข์ทรมานแค่ไหนที่เรารักเขาแต่ต้องพยายามฝืนใจถอยห่างออกมา ต้องพยายามลืมเค้าคนนั้นทุกวัน ทุกวัน เราต้องเงียบ ต้องพยายาม เฉยชา ต้องเลี่ยง ต้องหลบหน้า พยายามปิดหู ปิดตา เพื่อจะย้ำเตือนให้ตัวเองไม่ต้องรู้สึกอะไร กับเขาอีก มันเจ็บเจียนตาย ที่ต้องทำร้ายตัวเองด้วยวิธีนี้ แม้จะดูเป็นวิธีโง่ๆ เราไม่น่าจะทำได้ ดูเหมือนโกหกตัวเอง แต่หากจำเป็นต้องทำเพื่อปกป้องหัวใจและความรู้สึกตัวเอง เพื่อไม่ให้ใจของตัวเองต้องเจ็บปวดซ้ำไปซ้ำมา มันก็น่าจะลองพยายามทำมันสักครั้ง

การถอยห่างหลายๆก้าว แค่ก้าวเดียวมันคงไม่พอ มันสอนให้เราได้เรียนรู้ว่ายิ่งเรายึดติด อยากได้ อยากครอบครอง ยิ่งทำให้เราอ่อนแอและแพ้ตัวเอง อาการทุกอย่างที่ทำไป พูดไป ไม่ใช่ความรักที่เคยมีให้จะน้อยลงเลย แต่มันทำให้คนเจ็บปวดคนนี้ได้มีแรงพยุงตัวเองให้ลุกขึ้นมาเข้มแข็งได้อีกครั้งและพร้อมที่จะกล้าเดินไปข้างหน้าตามลำพัง ลำพังจริงๆ..

หลังจากที่เข้มแข็งได้แล้วห้ามใจไม่ได้รักเขาได้แล้วทุกอย่างอาจจะกลับมาเป็นปกติ ถึงแม้ว่ามันจะไม่มีวันเหมือนเดิม อาจคิดและรู้สึกกับเขาได้อย่างคนธรรมดา อย่างเพื่อนร่วมโลก ที่รู้สึกดีต่อกัน ไม่ได้รัก และก็ไม่ได้เกลียด ไม่ต้องรู้สึกแบบพิเศษที่แอบแฝงด้วยความเจ็บปวดอยู่ตลอดเวลา และอาจสามารถอยู่บนโลกใบเดียวกับเขาได้อย่างจริงใจที่สุด หวังว่าเขาคงเข้าใจในเหตุผลที่เราทำลงไปเจ็บนะไม่ใช่ไม่เจ็บแต่สักพักก็คงจะหายดีแล้วทุกอย่างจะกลับมาเป็นเหมือนเดิม หยุดหลอกตัวเองต่อไป ว่า …น้ำตาจะล้างดวงตาของเรา ให้มองเห็นชัดเจนขึ้นเพราะในดวงตาที่พร่ามัว ที่เต็มไปด้วยน้ำตาอยู่ตลอดเวลา ที่ผ่านมา ตาคู่นี้จะมองเห็นอะไรได้ …นอกจากความทรงจำสีจาง และความฝันอันเลือนลาง ทุกอย่างที่เป็นเค้า อะไรที่เคยทำ เคยผ่านด้วยกันมา มันจะอยู่ข้างใน ลึกสุดใจ ความรักที่เรามีให้จะโอบล้อมมัน เพื่อไม่ให้ความทรงจำเหล่านั้น หายไปแม้แต่วินาทีเดียว …หยุดโทษตัวเองว่า … ตัวเองไม่ดีในความรัก ..ไม่มีใคร ดี หรือ ไม่ดีมีแค่ “รัก” หรือ “ไม่รัก”ต่อให้ทำดีแค่ไหน รักมากแค่ไหน มันก็ไม่เพียงพอสำหรับ ใครหลายๆ คน ถ้าลองได้หมดรักแล้ว … ทุกอย่างที่เคยเห็น ที่เคยเป็นมันก็เปลี่ยน บางที่ในความเปลี่ยน เราอาจมีเวลามากมายมานั่งคิดทบทวน แล้วเราก็จะเจอคำตอบก็ได้

เวลาเจ็บปวดจากความรัก เราอาจจะทำหลายสิ่ง หลายอย่างที่เราคิดว่ามันจะช่วยให้ลืม ช่วยให้ความรู้สึกเจ็บปวดจางลง แต่แล้วมันก็ไม่ได้่ช่วยอะไรเลย อยากจะลองหาหนทางที่จะกลับไปหาความรักอีกครั้ง แต่ก็ยังไม่ไหว ไม่อยากเป็นคนเห็นแก่ตัว เพราะรู้ตัวเองว่าตอนนี้ยังรักใครไม่ได้ สงสารและต้องเห็นใจคนที่พร้อมที่จะรักเรา แต่เรารักเค้าไม่ไ้ด้

มาถึงตอนนี้ ผ่านพ้นมาเป็นปี อยู่คนเดียว กินคนเดียว ไปดูหนังคนเดียว ทำทุกอย่างคนเดียว เศร้าบ้าง เหงาก็บ่อยแต่เราต้องชินกับมันให้เร็วที่สุด ดึงตัวเองกลับมาให้เร็วที่สุด อาจจะไม่ใช่คนเดิมที่เคยเป็นแต่มันก็เป็นโอกาสใหม่ที่จะทำให้เราเป็นคนใหม่ บนพื้นฐานเดิมที่เคยเป็น อีกห้าปี สิบปีข้างหน้า ไม่มีใครรู้ว่าจะมีอะไรใหม่ๆๆ สิ่งดีๆๆ สิ่งร้ายๆๆ หรืออาจจะร้ายมากกว่านี้ วันนี้เรารับได้ วันพรุ่งนี้หรืออีกกี่ปี เราก็จะรับกับมันได้เหมือนกัน เพียงแค่เราพร้อมและกล้าที่จะเพชิญกับมัน "เราทุกคนมีจุดมุ่งหมายในชีวิตเหมือนกันคือ...ต้องการมีความสุข ดังนั้นชีวิตของพวกเรา มีทั้งความแตกต่าง และคล้ายคลึงกัน...".

อย่าให้ความกลัวชนเรากระแทก จงลุกขึ้นนและต่อสู้กับมัน NEVER LET THE FEAR OF STRIKING OUT KEEP YOU FROM PLAYING THE GAME....

แนะนำตัวเองคร่า Introduce myself

I am Jeab (Lex)

ชื่อ เจี๊ยบ

อายุ ยังไม่แก่ แต่ว่าเลยเบญจเพศมาหน่อยนึง
Age : Not old but just abit over Teenager.

อาชีพ รับจ้างเป็น au pair อยู่ทีี่เมืองนอก อิอิ
Occupation : Au pair

ที่อยู่ บรอมม่า สต๊อกโฮล์ม, Bromma, Stockholm Sweden

เอาเป็นว่าข้อมูลส่วนตัวคร่าวๆเอาไปแค่นั้นก่อนก้อพอ เพราะไม่อยากเปิดเผยตัวเอง เดี๋ยวดังจะลำบาก ก๊ากกก
Well, That's enough about personal information Because i don't want to tell much more about me if one day i become very famous i might get into trouble...LOL