Dear a Man Who I Love The Most ♥

This is the first time i wrote about my Dad. It's been about 10 years since you left this Earth when i was 19 year old. You die because of heart attack. You die after my 19 birthday only 10 days. This is why i always remember the date 19 June the day i lost the Man who i love the most. After you die every year on my birthday its really hard time for me, i am not happy at all, i am not going to have party at all. I am so hurt and so sadness when you die but i never had tears in front of any peoples. Do you know why? Its have been alot of thing happened between me and you since along time ago. You left my mom, me and my brother when i was only 7 year old, moving out to lived with other woman. You gone during we celebrated a new house the one i live right now. That time i still young i am not really understand about it but one thing i knew that you not LOVE us anymore and my mom always said that to me. I grew up without loving from you but you still supported us until you die. Do i mad at you? I do. I never let you hug me touch me. I always not nice to you, always said manything rude to you. did i want to be like that? "NO" i am not but i want you to look at us back and care about us more then that woman. You came to visited us at home often.Took me and my brother out for dinner, you came to help us when my mom was so sick she can not walk for 2 years something happened with her bones and joins.

I have to moved from Christian school to the school that's close to my house because my mom can not take me to school anymore. I can not really remember about it and hard t explain.

about a week before you die, you have been moved back to live with grandma and i went to visit you 2 days before you die and it is my last time, last meal for me to do and talked to you and i am not even think it is the last say goodbye from you. That's day i have been hurt you feeling alot.

you told me you will get back to that woman again next day and i am so mad because i don't want you to go back to her again. You tried to hug me and and play with me but i said " don't touch me because you are not my father" the way i said its rude more then that. The day after, my brother told me that's you cried and so sad when i said that i want to go to see you again and say i am sorry but i not even have that chance. In that night my uncle came and told us you is in the hospital, you was shock during watching TV. I was hit my self and said "its just a dream" i don't know what to say , my feeling that so hurt more then any words i can say.

Its have been for a long time you gone and i always have scar and still painful in my heart. i want to go back in the past and tell you that's i am sorry, anything i said i didn't mean like that. i always have tear when i think about it, think about my stupid, idiot ! I really want you to know that i was got to studies into CMU the university in your dreams that's you want me to studies there. i am graduated and i am a teacher. if you still here i bet you will so happy ever!

I am a Christian but i can not ignore Buddhism culture. i still do manthing in Buddhist ways with my mom and alone. i am not confused but i want to do it.
Its hurt to think and feel so sorry for late of the time. i always blame my self you die with sad feeling about me.i was a stupid and very bad daughter. i can not delete those feeling away ever.

Its almost your birthday in 16 October. Dad i know anything i will say you will never know. I just want to tell you and ask you to forgiveness in everything i did in the past. i want you to know i forgive you in everything, i want you yo know that " I LOVE YOU" and " I AM SO SORRY. i am very happy and very appreciated to be your daughter and i always wish i will be your daughter again in Next Life.

Sometime i think i don't lose anything through death but there is a possibility that i might gain something. Dad Thank you for life , Thank you for chance to made me brave, Thank you to be part of me, Thank you for good life you gave to me even its really hard way. Thank you for everything. "Sleep in peace MY LOVE"

I don't know this song it is about you or not but i always see you when i look at my self and i will never be alone anymore.

Everybody needs inspiration
Everybody needs a song
A beautiful melody when the night's so long
'Cause there is no guarantee that this life is easy

Yeah, when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I, I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you

When I look at you, I see forgiveness, I see the truth
You love me for who I am like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I'm not alone

Yeah, when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I, I look at you

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you

You appear just like a dream to me
Just like kaleidoscope colors that prove to me
All I need, every breath that I breathe
Don't ya know, you're beautiful

Yeah, yeah

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can't find my way home anymore
That's when I, I, I look at you
I look at you

Yeah, yeah, oh, oh
You appear just like a dream to me

Thank you for y'all to read my sad experience and i always waiting for forgiveness from my Dad.
Pray for me. Bless you.